I have never been a morning person. Mornings are slow for me and I don’t jump out of the bed, ready to start the day. I’ll get out of bed but I’m not awake. It’s more of a process of getting out of sleep world and into the real world. The same goes for falling asleep, that isn’t fast either. I need to ease in and out of the state of sleeping.
The latter has always been a problem because I used to loathe being the last one awake. The eeriness while everyone else is sound asleep feels like a parallel universe. And it made me feel excluded. But I have always worked the best, gotten ideas, and rearranged furniture after 10 pm. So it has been sort of a trap. It’s the time where I see things most clearly and I’m able to focus the best. Since we temporarily moved to the country the feeling of being excluded in the dreaded nighttime paired with insomnia and the anxiety of the new oh so dark and quiet environment really made me feel a certain form of isolation. Like I would be alone awake in the whole world while everyone else would be doing what I desperately wanted, sleeping. Insomnia isn’t fun. But that’s a whole other story. Being in the house surrounded by darkness would make me feel claustrophobic because I was terrified of going outside but I also felt trapped inside in this parallel world of awakeness.I would think about what I really would want to do after drinking tea and reading books and breathing deeply and what I wanted was some fresh air. I wanted to feel like I could go outside if I wanted to and not be trapped by my fear. So I forced myself to go outside in the dark without being afraid.
And while I still sometimes have to really control the urge to myself run and slam the door behind me and wake up the rest of the house when I hear the slightest sound in the trees, I am not that afraid anymore. Over time, I’ve come to love this time of the day and especially the fact that I’m alone. The feeling of isolation has disappeared and instead I cherish this time of the day. It has become mine.
Out there in the dark I’ve seen the fog over the corn field on a muggy August night, been terrified by every little rattle in the trees after watching zombie shows, marveled at the stars on the clear night sky, and found some of the answers to the questions my mind comes up with every day. Realized that this is it, right now. There’s only ever going to be now. The things that we worry about or expect to reminisce about is all made up off little nows. The past and the future are created by these fleeing bits that is now. Our lives are made out of these moments. It’s all better together.